Wedding around the world is a topic that seems to interest everyone, but for some women in some countries this day has been a tragedy rather than a joy, and on a wedding night such a scary one, no matter what. Could not
Like other Muslim countries, in the Arab world, women are expected to be single at the wedding.
NP Arabic spoke to several women from different social backgrounds regarding their first night on their married life, and specifically asked how their lack of sex education affected their marriage.
Here we are giving a glimpse of the experiences of women whose lives have changed dramatically since their wedding day.
Samiya, age 22 years
Samia had to fight a big fight with her family because they refused to marry Abraham to Sami, while Sami loved Abraham and thought that Abraham could be an ideal husband for any girl. Could.
But Samiya did not know that long ago, when his dream was fulfilled, he would be hit by a shock that he did not even know.
It was the first night of marriage, when suspicion that Samia was not a ‘virgin’, Abraham’s whole affection went away.
Samiya was 23 years old at the time and was nearing completing a degree in Arabic literature from Damascus University in Syria. But in the mind of Sami was Abraham, who had promised Sami that he would not put any hurdles on his education.
Despite the apparent denial of family members and the objection that Abraham does not yet have a home for himself, Samiya stands firm on his stubbornness.
And Sami’s faith was fulfilled in Abraham’s promise of love and support. Not only did they oppose the entire family, they even said that they would be with Abraham’s mother because she respected them as much as her mother.
But on the night of the wedding, Samiya suffered a severe setback when Abraham gave them ‘no time to restore their breath’ and became engrossed in trying to break the veil. Abraham was saying that the requirement of love was to complete this step as soon as possible. ‘
“I was cooperating with her despite the severe fatigue.”
‘The whole romance went to the cafeteria’
According to Samiya, that night they felt as if for a moment ‘not even a sign of romance was left. His face has changed color. ‘ Samiya says that as soon as Abraham said that ‘there is no sign of blood’, he found out that Abraham suspected that he was not a virgin.
Although most women bleed when the veil is broken, and the blood volume may be low, doctors and experts say that not all women have blood.
Not every Khatun expedition should be the same. Access to the veil of some women is possible only through the operation, in some women it is so critical that the blood is not broken without bleeding, and at the birth of some girls it does not occur or is traumatic in childhood. Breaks
Recalling her husband’s reaction, Samiya says, ‘As he was staring at me, I felt that he had daggers in my chest. He killed me without even knowing it. ‘
‘He didn’t even try to talk to me. I felt rejected, and I felt like I was an accused just waiting for the verdict. Before the wedding, we used to talk about a lot of things, even talking about our wedding night. That night was to be the best night of our lives. ‘
“I thought we knew a lot about each other, but all of this ended up happening when he thought ‘no sign of virginity was shown.’
The society in which the Sami live, even though such incidents are commonplace, but Sami did not expect this to happen to him. They believed that the behavior of young men had changed and that their views were different from that of the grandparents. She believed that since Abraham was a well-educated, open-minded and holds a university degree, his views would certainly be different from that of the older generation.
But on the second day of the marriage, Ibrahim said that they should go to the doctor to confirm whether Samiya was a virgin or not.
Many societies have centuries-old traditions of determining whether a girl is a virgin or not, but the reasons and methods for this type of test are different in every society.
For example, in the more conservative families, the wedding night is particularly daunting when a girl becomes a virgin. Bloody sheets are shown to the families of the bride and groom the next morning, and sometimes a special ceremony is held in the joy of ‘confirmation’ of virginity.
There are different ways to get the results you want. For example, it is not so difficult to ‘resuscitate’ a parasite through surgery or surgery. In addition, artificial veil made from China are also available. It is similar to other prosthetics or artificial organs that not only look real, but when pressed on, the red liquid from it looks like blood.
On the second day of marriage, when Samiya met a gynecologist (Guinea Colologist), she found out that the thickness of the veil was high and would only explode when she gave birth to a baby.
On hearing this, her husband took a breath of Sikhism and a smile spread on his bed, but by then it was too late. Sami’s mind had been settled and they had decided that as soon as possible, they would divorce Abraham.
Samiya had decided to get a divorce immediately, but why did she delay filing the petition?
Explaining this, she said that after that day ‘my husband became a stranger to me. I was also worried about it and I was asking him repeatedly what people were talking about. I couldn’t imagine what my husband’s next step might be. Now that was something to be expected. I couldn’t think of myself as safe with someone who had broken their relationship in just a second. ”
After a brief pause, Samiya said, ‘If you ask the truth, I cannot describe my condition later that night and cannot tell what my feelings were about Abraham. But just as he considered my whole existence as a meaningless member or a membrane, living with Ibrahim had become difficult for me. I thought, in the end, I am a human being.
From then on, Samia’s psychological condition worsened. They stopped burning to meet those who came home and even started going out. She felt that she was now “pretending to play the role of a traditional woman, the role of a traditional woman who looks quite weak and helpless without her husband’s permission.”
During the next three months, she had sex with her husband a few times, even though he did not want to. ‘Whenever she did that I was disgusted. I didn’t want him to have sex with me, I didn’t feel anything because my passion had died the first night. I was just waiting for him to get out of his job and leave me alone. Sex with her was a dirty job and a scam, because instead of expressing affection, I thought it was just a job, an obligation I had to fulfill. ‘
Wedding night tips
It is not uncommon for what happened to them in the society where Sami lives. There are countless girls behind closed doors who do not talk to anyone openly and even go out to avoid the mockery of society.
But refusing to speak openly on the issue of virginity can have a negative impact on families and their children over time.
In regards to what is the psychological state of a woman on the night of the wedding, psychologist Amal Hamid told the NP about her experiences. Amal advises boys who are planning to get married so that they do not face unexpected problems. She says that ‘since people have already made up their mind in this regard, people in our society generally do not consult psychologists.’
Amal believes that meeting a psychologist before the wedding can help ensure that the beginning of your married life is a joy, and marriage can be a journey based on talking to each other and To understand each other.
‘To get useful information, it is important that married couples seek psychological advice. Talk about whether something is private or hidden. Talk about your closeness. Learn what varieties of veil can be, and how to ensure that there is nothing in the middle of the sexual act that can have adverse effects on a woman for a lifetime. That is, a wedding night should be a pleasant experience and not a painless night. ‘
But Amal says, “Unfortunately, many people think that they all know what the psychological and physical state of a new bride is, but countless experiences prove that the truth is the opposite.”
“In many cases, these types of problems do not go away and such wounds become inflamed, the only consequence of which is that over time these problems become more complicated.”
‘Proof of disaster’
The NP asked 20 men what would be their reaction if they encountered a problem in the first moments of closeness with their wife that did not find the ‘virgin signs’?
The men ranged in age from 20 to 45, and included all the professors, doctors and teachers, who thought they were ‘open-minded’ about the issue.
Most of them provided direct or indirect negative responses.
Often men refer to ‘bleeding as evidence that the bride was opaque and virgin’. He claimed that blood was an essential part of the blood, which could be the basis for a happy married life in which one could trust and trust each other.
Neither love nor passion
After a few months of marriage, Samiya spoke openly with her husband and expressed his desire for a divorce. They told Abraham that they would never withdraw their decision. She says they were now living near her husband, fearing he would kill them. In addition, Samia told her husband that after the first nightmare, they had neither love nor passion left in their heart.
Samiya also told her husband how irresponsible and humiliated she was with the doubts she had expressed on the first night, regardless of their feelings.
Samiya says that he was surprised to hear that. He believed that as a man, he had the right to ask whether his wife was a virgin or had sex with someone. He said that as long as I live, he will not divorce me. In addition, he advised me to revisit his ‘rebellious behavior’. He said that if I did not change my decision, it would result in nothing but ‘disappointment and remorse.’
Samiya added, ‘The standards of our society are double. Men’s sexual motives are praised and praised, but when it comes to women, these things are rejected by society and many times they are punished with death. . ‘
“My ex-husband was a man of the same kind, a man who used to pretend to have sex with his friends, and if I made a little joke, he would have gone crazy.”
Samia’s family refused to help her on the issue of divorce because she believed that Samiya was making “small talk” a big problem. On this, Samiya left for Syria in June this year.
Age: 45 years old
Before arriving in Brussels, Belgium in the year 2016, Zamana spent most of her life in the Syrian city of Aleppo, where she lived in the Alba neighborhood.
Talking to the NP, he said he had to wait 20 years to finalize the divorce.
‘When I was 19, my father married my cousin without my consent. I didn’t like that. I liked to study, but he convinced me by saying that the boy would be a good husband to me and I would get used to it over time. ‘ He used to say, ‘In the end, love will be.’
It is common in Syrian Orthodox and rural families that older relatives of the bride and groom’s family sit outside and wait until the bride’s virginity is ‘inspected’ And is not ‘confirmed’.
Zamana still remembers her first night well and that pain. They feel like it’s a matter of tomorrow.
“He closed the door and said we should hurry up, waiting for the big family confirmation.”
“It was a very unpleasant experience. My husband did not talk to me, did not speak for a minute, I was still shaking with fear, but he had the same thing on his head. ‘
“I was in pain and I was psychologically under pressure, but my husband didn’t care and his only concern was when would the blood stain appear.”
That night when no blood came out, the silence of the night broke when my husband started screaming, ‘No blood came out, no blood came out.’
After that he started giving nasty abusive things that I couldn’t even repeat. ‘His eyes were burning like coals that could burn me at any moment.’
Zamana says that for about an hour, trauma and fear surrounded him and not a single word was coming out of his mouth. They did not even wait for dawn and dragged Jamuna that night to a certified gynecologist.
‘I remember that doctor, he was comforting me like my father was. They were saying goodbye to my husband on his move. ‘
Zamana was forced to stay with her husband because the family and all the people around her did not support that Zamana was separated from her husband, neither that night nor the next 20 years. up to. According to Jammana, during this period, her husband used to ‘make fun of and ridicule’ people.
After almost 20 years and four children, Jamaiya has not been able to forget this dishonor.
And then as soon as they arrived in Brussels with their four children, they ended their marriage. She says it was a revenge from her ex-husband and also from a society that didn’t help her.
Zamana says she’s happy with her children in Brussels and has no plans to remarry. Instead she wants to fulfill her long-held dream of getting an education, a wish that no one has given her.
Four women say that the bitter experiences of the bridegroom have left marks on their minds whose horrible shadows spread all over their lives.
She says, ‘Now I am happy because I have brought my two daughters here. I not only divorced my husband, I also divorced a society that did not do me justice at all. ‘
Repair of curtains
Another woman, Rizana, also told us why she broke up with her fiancé after five years.
‘I trusted him and I loved him very much. In one year’s meetings he would often provoke me to sex, because if it were seen, I was his wife. And finally one day I yelled in front of him and we even had a bed. ‘
But six months later, there was a big feud between Rizana and her fiancé’s family, and then when their engagement broke, the anger grew even stronger.
‘There is no debate in our society about the punishment for losing’ virginity ‘. Maybe death!
‘But I was fortunate that I had a friend to help. He suggested that I should meet a Guinea callologist who works quietly. She would make a veil of Chinese made artificial veil by operating my veil.
“If I had not done that major operation, I would have lost my life.”
Amina belongs to a conservative and particularly poor family, and their troubles begin when they fall into the bathroom and some of their blood is drained.
Amina did not know what actually happened, but she told her mother about it. The mother grabbed Amina and went straight to a gynecologist. Amina’s veil has exploded, the doctor said.
“That day was nothing short of a disaster for my mother,” says Amina. They didn’t understand what to do. After talking to my three aunts, the doctor took the time to repair the veil. Because it is illegal in our country, such operations are carried out in complete confidentiality. Also, most people do not believe that I was lying in the bathroom and people used to doubt the rest of my life as a virgin.
In many Arab and Muslim countries, many girls have to undergo a marital test, after which the bride-to-be is given a certificate confirming that she is a virgin.
Human Rights Watch Human Rights Watch has in the past condemned Indonesia and some Arab countries that women have to go through pain in their ‘virginity tests’.
In these countries, the task is usually given to older women, in which they grope with their two fingers to check if there is a veil.
This practice is very common in the Middle East and North Africa, and Human Rights Watch in its 2014 report described it as “gender violence, inhumane discrimination against women and open violation of human rights.”
According to research, the countries where such tests are performed include India, Afghanistan, Bangladesh, Iran, Egypt, Jordan, Libya, Morocco, and some Arab countries and South Africa. Human Rights Watch reports that the tests are most common in Egypt, Morocco, Jordan and Libya.
In response to the report, Moroccan and Egyptian authorities strongly denied the allegations, saying it was illegal and was being done secretly if it was happening.
Note: According to their wishes, the real names of the four women who tell their story are kept secret.